An Eye (Or a Flower Archway)


I begun with this thought of an eye. Because you know, it's what most makes sense. Then I just switched.

It's been hard to keep this alive. This fake link. It is not fake for its existence, but it is fake for its appearance. For I would not permit others to see what I truly feel within my heart. And you may not know it consciously - or maybe you know it and you try to deny it or pretend you just don't care - but I am certain I have given all the signs, even though I tried not to.

I feel something for you. I haven't come to that conclusion so easily. It was really confusing in the beginning. I spent endless hours trying to decipher what I had found inside this mind of mine. The cues mounted and I misunderstood all the lights, all the gestures. I misread your face. And thus, when it came to light, it also came to a falling. I mistook my acts towards you, and although today might be a little earlier to express my feelings - walking on such an unsteady surface, paved with possibly only doubtful suspicions - I won't be apologetic, as I never had. For this is what I do: I live it intensely and then I end it roughly. And when push comes to shove, I'll watch you rove away from me.

At this very moment I am here, without you, and I will be the same until I finally overcome it, as I have already done a thousand times. But what bothers me is that once again I will not live the amour, it will simply vanish as though it has never existed.

I could speak of an eye. But you know what? You seem much more like an archway. Made with fine white-painted wood, adorned with a beautiful chain of roses.  An arch under which many incredible people will stride one day. And you'll see them passing. I just hope you seal yourself for someone.

Won't mind the gap


So the fear has finally come. Not sure if it is here only now, I would say it has most likely been latent for a while, since this whole possibility of travelling abroad has shown up. And each day it became truer, just like the fear was growing inside, until I notice its presence. Amazing how something that big can go unoticed for so long inside us. Maybe because I truly believed (and a part of me still does) that I was capable, grown up, that I didn't need anybody. I believed I was strong, independent. But now I think different. There are so many doubts, that I feel like a teenager. I'm afraid I won't make friends and allies. I'm afraid people might not like me. I fear making enemies. I fear misreading the classes, misfitting the rythm, the new country, the new culture. All I do is fear.

It's funny how there was only euphoria in the beginning. The will to expand, to create, to change, to love, to suffer, to be born again. The benefit of erasing everything you are and were to start from scratch. However, today there is the fear of being unfaithful to oneself.

I admit the anxiety for the change has become stronger due the weariness of life, fatigue of the routine and the friends. When a so close and touchable perspective of severance like this arose, I allowed my body and mind to be taken over by dissatisfaction. I judged myself unecessary and independent from others. I said: I'm glad I'm going, for I would not bear to stay anymore.

So I lied. Because real life is so damn good! There are love and hate. Thrill and boredom. But for each laughter, for each simple motion or simple sentence that arouses a meaningless smile - each minimal instant of weightlessness - it is worth it. Reality is worth it. And I may not know how far I can live from it.

The delusion was to think I would take all I am with me. I was wrong. Most of me stays behind: that's my mom, my friends, my college, my job, my house. What goes is the empty cocoon, just linked to all behind by such an unbreakable thread, ready to to fill up once more with good and bad things, with life, until it's clogged, so I can go back.

What I know is that for now, I can't mind the gap. I want to leave.